The One: Does The Search Ever End?
“It is not possible to have a genuine relationship
with life or with another person
without having a genuine relationship with yourself.”
– Candice O’Denver founder of Balanced View
Most of us have grown up listening to fairy tales where prince meets princess, they fall in love and live happily ever after. As soon as we are born our parents start reading these fairy tales to us, imprinting in our young minds that one day when we find The One, we too will live happily ever after.
Well, did that ever happen to anyone? I certainly never met anyone who fell in love with their One and remained happy for the rest of their lives. I never met anyone who never felt desire for another person once they were married, never doubted if they had made the right choice, never raised their voice in anger or questioned if they were still in love.
Do you know why this is? Because we have no control over the content of our mind. None! If we did, then everyone would choose to live happily ever after, just like Cinderella and Snow White. However, in reality, our thoughts are random, unpredictable, spontaneous and ceaseless.
I was always looking for love in my relationships. I would meet a man, fall madly in love, enjoy passionate intimacy, walk around for weeks or months or even sometimes a couple of years in a pink bubble of happiness where everything that he did was sweet and sexy. All his jokes were funny and all I wanted to do was spend every hour of the day with my beloved.
One random thought just spontaneously appeared. “It’s a bit annoying the way he always turns on the television at 9pm.” Then another thought, “Why doesn’t he ever clean the dishes?” and another, “He never buys me flowers.” “I wish he was more driven for success.” “He doesn’t make me laugh the way that man makes me laugh.” “Am I still happy in this relationship?” “He’s a good person, I should be happy.” “I think I might be better suited to that man!”
Does this sound familiar? If it does – then welcome to humanhood!
I spent so many years of my life believing that these types of thoughts meant that something was wrong and that it was most probably his fault. “If he was a bit more like that, then I would be happy.” I was so uncomfortable with feeling negativity, doubt and confusion that all I could think about was, how can I make these uncomfortable thoughts and emotions go away. The obvious solution – End the relationship.
I am so grateful that I met Balanced View at the age of 26, ten years ago now. I very directly and very quickly was introduced to something about myself that was completely unaffected by my constantly changing and fleeting thoughts and emotions. I came to experience a profound love and stability that was available to me no matter what I was thinking or feeling. With one simple change in the way I use my mind, I began to discover that I could allow my thoughts to be as they are, no matter how negative or uncomfortable they were.
To put this into the context of an intimate relationship and how this has actually allowed me to be in a loving relationship: Now, when I feel all the ‘wrong’ thoughts about my partner, in no way do I feel like there is something wrong, so I don’t try to make those thoughts go away. There is the instinctive recognition that all thoughts and emotions are just like a line drawn in water, they leave no trace. When left as they are, bright love shines through.
Perhaps initially, I felt that if I was unaffected by my thoughts and emotions, how would I know when to take action? How would I know to stay or to leave the relationship? How would I decide when to speak up? However, I have seen that in no way does resting in love mean that nothing matters. When I am not distracted by my thoughts, there is a powerful clarity that knows what’s best in every moment. You know that clarity that you always feel is there, but you sometimes just don’t know how to access? That clarity is our birthright! The knowing that empowers you to speak up, to leave the relationship or to just smile and say I love you. The clarity that is free from confusion. This is the space that I now live from.
It is a great blessing to be in relationship this way. Where I am not relying on the other person to make me happy. I am not trying to change him and I am not blaming him for my random negative thoughts and emotions. When I truly understood how to allow myself to be as I am, when I stopped trying to fix and change the flow of my negativity, when I became so comfortable with my own dynamic and wild array of thoughts, I could finally, for the first time, truly allow my partner to be exactly as he is.
This is what true love means. Allowing your partner to be exactly as he is. What could be more loving than that? However, this is impossible to do until we can first allow ourselves to be exactly as we are. Falling in love with myself and everything that I thought was so wrong, so bad, so not allowed. Falling in love with all of it. Then love is easy.
You can search for The One forever, be in countless relationships, get married, have kids, get divorced, get married again and on it goes. However, the search for true love will never end as long as you are searching for it outside of yourself.
There will be a Women’s Circle at 1:30-2:30pm followed by an Effortless Meditation Training for Women 3-5pm at Qi Crystals on Saturday, September 30th.
If you would like more information about Balanced View you are very welcome to:
Come to our local Wednesday weekly Meetups. Email for location details: firstname.lastname@example.org
Watch some free videos with Balanced View trainers: www.balancedview.org/trainers
Take the free introductory course and join the Bright Community Facebook Group: www.bright.how